father's day

I never knew my dad and it's not even sad.

Growing up, people thought it was sad, but they didn't really put themselves in my position. How could I miss something I never had in the first place? Having a father wasn't normal for me. For the first 20 years or so, my father was nothing.

Like the protection grid from Ghost Busters failing, Darth Vader and Hamlet's dad (hey, I'm totally Danish -- plus I have this incredibly Hamlet-like ability for inaction); eventually the ghost of my father became more powerful. Somehow, I don't know how -- maybe there's something weird happening from the grave -- but the influence of my dad is more a part of me now than when I was a kid. Maybe living a longer life gives me more of a chance to evaluate how much I've either disappointed or impressed the guy.

Today, out of nowhere, I get an email from my mom (which was actually dated a few days ago, but I hadn't checked my email in a few days) telling me how much I'm like my dad in my compassion, intelligence and sense of humor -- three things I would expect are more learned traits than hereditary. So much of me is programmed by genetics. Half of me I never knew and the other half I don't relate to very well.

I wonder if I could ever be as personally compassionate as Dad apparently was. I remember reading in two separate issues of Rolling Stone about the personal lives of Bob Marley and John Lennon. Apparently, while the two men were outwardly and publicly huge and obvious advocates of peace and love, the family members close to them found them surprisingly surly and unaffectionate. I'm usually that way. Broad ideals that I'm annoyed at others for not following, but have difficulty living them myself.

I make no secret that I spend my days watching Netflix streaming and DVDs while checking my Twitter feed. Today, on Twitter, I found a surprisingly touching comical video on CollegeHumor.com that's about how we view our fathers as we get older. Right after that I resumed my Netflix Family Ties watching and it was the episode where they stay at Steven's mom's house and Steven suffers guilt memories for not getting along with his dad when he was a kid. After that I resumed my Babylon 5 DVD watching where the station doctor tries to patch things up with his military father who was the black guy who got the ear worms in Star Trek II.

It's like Strange Brew. My dad is like Pam's dad in that movie (which is also a remake of Hamlet if you think about it). He's a ghost who controls the technology in her life (probably because he was electrocuted (but it's probably not best to overthink Strange Brew)).

I guess you're still there somewhere, Dad. For most of the past 30 years -- I'm sorry. But thank you. I don't know the specifics or the science, but what you've given me is invaluable.