Today at work one of the weird guys called. The guy obviously has some kind of mental disorder. I don't feel like I'm judging anymore because he actually told me he did this time. He seems to have this compulsion to buy stuff -- mostly USB cables. He asked several questions over and over again about webcams and whether or not they recorded. I was pretty short with him and not because I found him annoying, but because I saw a lot of myself in him. I can see myself 15 years from now, obsessing about gizmos and their workings, thinking I need them. Of course I probably won't live for the conversations with the salespeople like this guy does. I'll probably getting my companionship out of robots. Maybe trying to prove AI is a lifeform based on my interactions with it.
Anyway, I nearly cried talking to the guy. He sounded incredibly stressed out regarding something he didn't need to purchase. I think I safely talked him out of ordering anything. It seems like whenever he gets money he needs to spend it to make his life more organized somehow. If he didn't buy that webcam he was looking for his life would be in disorder. It makes absolutely no sense, but I could tell in his voice that his agitation was very real. I get that. I'm not sure everybody else does, but I know what it's like to feel anxiety for no reason. I'm very logical about it too so it's difficult to explain and seem reasonable. How about this. You know how when something bad happens your stomach gets butterflies? Often that happens for no reason. The exact physical response of anxiety happens when there's nothing to be anxious about. Then comes the heavy breathing and the incessant foot tapping. I'm well aware that my symptoms have no reason, but nevertheless, the symptoms are still there.
A good cry is always helpful. I was due a couple of days ago. I felt cheated a couple of times over for various reasons that I'm still not openly honest about. In a nutshell, certain events made me feel like a bigger loser than usual (and I usually feel like a pretty big loser (maybe because I weigh so much less than everybody -- ha! (actually I am gaining weight -- *sad*))). No joke -- I not only felt loser-ish, but also mistreated. After bumming around by myself (when I felt I didn't deserve to be) I missed a call from Mom. I let it go to voicemail because I was in a loud place. The phone buzzed quite a while after the call went through, indicating that it was a long voicemail. The thought occurred to me that since it was a long message, it was regarding something serious. I listened to it on the way home and it was Mom telling me that she and my stepfather would be leaving for the weekend and wanted to know which hotel and stuff they would be staying in. THAT'S when I cried. I felt all shades of terrible, but I didn't really get emotional physically until I heard the good news (and by good news I mean dull news).
I was annoyed today that I don't feel as bad as I should. Certain circumstances have left me crushed, but not crushed enough. How dare I laugh and smile? Isn't what I'm being so sullen about more important than that? If I don't insist upon my misery, can it be that what I'm miserable about doesn't really matter? This sounds like the most childish thing ever, but I feel I need to be more miserable. I made poor decisions. I blew it. I blew lots of things. I'm miserable, but not as miserable as I should be. This has happened dozens of times.
When will I be miserable enough to actually act in a way that gets me what I want?
See? I need to pout more. If I get over things. I'll just set myself up to kindly get over them later when they happen again.
I'm a nice guy not because it feels good. I'm nice because I think that's how someone in a utopian society should act. I often feel that if I was crueler I'd get a lot more done and I may even be happier.
Maybe not happier. More influence though, and more stuff.
Consider this one. Nice guys are meaner than mean guys. Yes, it's doublespeak from 1984. Let's put math into it. A nice guy does ten nice things for a girl and screws up once. A mean guy does ten lousy things to a girl and one nice gesture. Which one will be held in greater esteem? The math says one way, but it's not so obvious in reality. It's not who you are, it's how you're remembered. Obviously in the eyes of the recipient (victim), the act that stands out the most will be the one that's remembered, and hence, the one that defines the man (persecutor).
No comments:
Post a Comment