Today at work one of the weird guys called. The guy obviously has some kind of mental disorder. I don't feel like I'm judging anymore because he actually told me he did this time. He seems to have this compulsion to buy stuff -- mostly USB cables. He asked several questions over and over again about webcams and whether or not they recorded. I was pretty short with him and not because I found him annoying, but because I saw a lot of myself in him. I can see myself 15 years from now, obsessing about gizmos and their workings, thinking I need them. Of course I probably won't live for the conversations with the salespeople like this guy does. I'll probably getting my companionship out of robots. Maybe trying to prove AI is a lifeform based on my interactions with it.
Anyway, I nearly cried talking to the guy. He sounded incredibly stressed out regarding something he didn't need to purchase. I think I safely talked him out of ordering anything. It seems like whenever he gets money he needs to spend it to make his life more organized somehow. If he didn't buy that webcam he was looking for his life would be in disorder. It makes absolutely no sense, but I could tell in his voice that his agitation was very real. I get that. I'm not sure everybody else does, but I know what it's like to feel anxiety for no reason. I'm very logical about it too so it's difficult to explain and seem reasonable. How about this. You know how when something bad happens your stomach gets butterflies? Often that happens for no reason. The exact physical response of anxiety happens when there's nothing to be anxious about. Then comes the heavy breathing and the incessant foot tapping. I'm well aware that my symptoms have no reason, but nevertheless, the symptoms are still there.
A good cry is always helpful. I was due a couple of days ago. I felt cheated a couple of times over for various reasons that I'm still not openly honest about. In a nutshell, certain events made me feel like a bigger loser than usual (and I usually feel like a pretty big loser (maybe because I weigh so much less than everybody -- ha! (actually I am gaining weight -- *sad*))). No joke -- I not only felt loser-ish, but also mistreated. After bumming around by myself (when I felt I didn't deserve to be) I missed a call from Mom. I let it go to voicemail because I was in a loud place. The phone buzzed quite a while after the call went through, indicating that it was a long voicemail. The thought occurred to me that since it was a long message, it was regarding something serious. I listened to it on the way home and it was Mom telling me that she and my stepfather would be leaving for the weekend and wanted to know which hotel and stuff they would be staying in. THAT'S when I cried. I felt all shades of terrible, but I didn't really get emotional physically until I heard the good news (and by good news I mean dull news).
I was annoyed today that I don't feel as bad as I should. Certain circumstances have left me crushed, but not crushed enough. How dare I laugh and smile? Isn't what I'm being so sullen about more important than that? If I don't insist upon my misery, can it be that what I'm miserable about doesn't really matter? This sounds like the most childish thing ever, but I feel I need to be more miserable. I made poor decisions. I blew it. I blew lots of things. I'm miserable, but not as miserable as I should be. This has happened dozens of times.
When will I be miserable enough to actually act in a way that gets me what I want?
See? I need to pout more. If I get over things. I'll just set myself up to kindly get over them later when they happen again.
I'm a nice guy not because it feels good. I'm nice because I think that's how someone in a utopian society should act. I often feel that if I was crueler I'd get a lot more done and I may even be happier.
Maybe not happier. More influence though, and more stuff.
Consider this one. Nice guys are meaner than mean guys. Yes, it's doublespeak from 1984. Let's put math into it. A nice guy does ten nice things for a girl and screws up once. A mean guy does ten lousy things to a girl and one nice gesture. Which one will be held in greater esteem? The math says one way, but it's not so obvious in reality. It's not who you are, it's how you're remembered. Obviously in the eyes of the recipient (victim), the act that stands out the most will be the one that's remembered, and hence, the one that defines the man (persecutor).
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
nirvana, hanson and my people
I walked past the magazine rack a few minutes ago and Kurt Cobain was on the cover of Spin. Apparently it's their Nevermind "20th anniversary issue." Obviously it blows blows blows my mind that Nevermind is 20 years old. Everybody my age plus or minus five years thinks that.
What really really bugged me though is that I wasn't a Nevermind fan -- or even a hater of it. Nevermind was what I determined "young" people were listening to at the time (even though they were my age). I liked to think it wasn't as cool as whatever I was into (which isn't really defined very well unfortunately).
What I'm trying to get at is it's been more than 20 years since I've matured just a little. All my other ne'er do wells are thinking "man, can you believe it's been 20 years since Nevermind?" I'm thinking "man, it's been 20 years since I couldn't believe that Nirvana was getting so much more press than INXS!"
It gets really bad as the pop culture goes by. I meet some 18 year old who listens to Hanson and then a couple of years later she's married, she has a kid and she's talking about and doing important things. I'd think at the beginning, here's someone I can lecture about all I know about life and philosophy and my way of thinking and all that -- and then I realize I may be super bald and old-looking, but I'm far less developed than whatever she's become. She grows up in a couple of years -- but I've stayed the exact same for the last 20.
I remember (I've never said this) one time my mission president said to everybody "I hope you figure it out on your mission, because I've found that if you don't figure it out on your mission -- chances are you'll never figure it out." I remember feeling too embarrassed to raise my hand and ask "Figure what out, exactly?"
I purposely used the band Hanson two paragraphs ago because I saw on the way home that Hanson is coming to the Depot in September. I find that very weird. There is something I'm missing here. Who in the world would go to a Hanson show? I don't ask that to be insulting. I'm just wondering what their demographic could possibly be. I hate using words like "demographic" because it makes me sound business-y. I don't hate business, but I do hate using business words when speaking about anything artistic. If I'm not promoting something myself, I don't see why I shouldn't discuss anything other than the art itself.
BUT SERIOUSLY! Full disclosure. I don't think "Mmmm Bop" is a lousy song. Not. At. All. It's great. I can totally admit that. In fact I have a ton of respect for Hanson. I've seen them maligned by fellow snobs hundreds of times, but I don't think Hanson deserves to be in the slightest. What, because they had enough talent to write a great pop song ten years before they were supposed to they need to be made fun of? No. If anything, they deserve to be praised and popular.
BUT! Even as someone who admits to respect them, I'm not planning on seeing them live. I don't even know any other music they have. Who is? The tweens and teens who listened to "Mmmm Bop" 15 years ago couldn't possibly still be keeping up with Hanson's career. Nevertheless, someone must be going to Hanson shows. Someone, perhaps like myself, must acknowledge that these kids who recorded an infections pop song a lifetime ago have enough live musical chops that (I assume) people will unironically fill the Depot to a mild capacity. I suppose there is a chance that they would fill it ironically, but I don't think that's possible. Why put forth the effort to be ironic when nobody's even heard of Hanson for like a decade?
I wonder if Hanson is now just about the most underground band that's out right now.
I wonder how old I sound right now.
I hope Hanson gets Nelson to be the opening act.
I will seriously consider going to the Hanson show.
I wonder if the Hanson show is where I'll find my people. I've been thinking a lot lately about my friends and how awesome they are and that (like pretty much everyone else who has friends) they are only my friends because of chance circumstance. Classmates, neighbors, workmates -- these are our friends. Usually we don't make friends. Friendships make themselves out of circumstance. We're little and we're influenced by those around us. Collectively sometimes we start liking the same things. If we threw different people in there (instead of the ones who were geographically close by) we'd be influenced by different opinions, we'd have a different group collective, we'd like different music and ultimately we'd be different people. These life-altering developments didn't happen through people we chose to be with. These are the people who grew up across the street from us, who sat behind us in biology or were at our bus stop. They're great people, but they weren't our people from the beginning.
We'll never choose our friends now. It's too late. How do I know who my true people are when I've spent 30 years being influenced by whomever just happened to be around me?
All you people who have happened to be around me -- you're okay btw.
What really really bugged me though is that I wasn't a Nevermind fan -- or even a hater of it. Nevermind was what I determined "young" people were listening to at the time (even though they were my age). I liked to think it wasn't as cool as whatever I was into (which isn't really defined very well unfortunately).
What I'm trying to get at is it's been more than 20 years since I've matured just a little. All my other ne'er do wells are thinking "man, can you believe it's been 20 years since Nevermind?" I'm thinking "man, it's been 20 years since I couldn't believe that Nirvana was getting so much more press than INXS!"
It gets really bad as the pop culture goes by. I meet some 18 year old who listens to Hanson and then a couple of years later she's married, she has a kid and she's talking about and doing important things. I'd think at the beginning, here's someone I can lecture about all I know about life and philosophy and my way of thinking and all that -- and then I realize I may be super bald and old-looking, but I'm far less developed than whatever she's become. She grows up in a couple of years -- but I've stayed the exact same for the last 20.
I remember (I've never said this) one time my mission president said to everybody "I hope you figure it out on your mission, because I've found that if you don't figure it out on your mission -- chances are you'll never figure it out." I remember feeling too embarrassed to raise my hand and ask "Figure what out, exactly?"
I purposely used the band Hanson two paragraphs ago because I saw on the way home that Hanson is coming to the Depot in September. I find that very weird. There is something I'm missing here. Who in the world would go to a Hanson show? I don't ask that to be insulting. I'm just wondering what their demographic could possibly be. I hate using words like "demographic" because it makes me sound business-y. I don't hate business, but I do hate using business words when speaking about anything artistic. If I'm not promoting something myself, I don't see why I shouldn't discuss anything other than the art itself.
BUT SERIOUSLY! Full disclosure. I don't think "Mmmm Bop" is a lousy song. Not. At. All. It's great. I can totally admit that. In fact I have a ton of respect for Hanson. I've seen them maligned by fellow snobs hundreds of times, but I don't think Hanson deserves to be in the slightest. What, because they had enough talent to write a great pop song ten years before they were supposed to they need to be made fun of? No. If anything, they deserve to be praised and popular.
BUT! Even as someone who admits to respect them, I'm not planning on seeing them live. I don't even know any other music they have. Who is? The tweens and teens who listened to "Mmmm Bop" 15 years ago couldn't possibly still be keeping up with Hanson's career. Nevertheless, someone must be going to Hanson shows. Someone, perhaps like myself, must acknowledge that these kids who recorded an infections pop song a lifetime ago have enough live musical chops that (I assume) people will unironically fill the Depot to a mild capacity. I suppose there is a chance that they would fill it ironically, but I don't think that's possible. Why put forth the effort to be ironic when nobody's even heard of Hanson for like a decade?
I wonder if Hanson is now just about the most underground band that's out right now.
I wonder how old I sound right now.
I hope Hanson gets Nelson to be the opening act.
I will seriously consider going to the Hanson show.
I wonder if the Hanson show is where I'll find my people. I've been thinking a lot lately about my friends and how awesome they are and that (like pretty much everyone else who has friends) they are only my friends because of chance circumstance. Classmates, neighbors, workmates -- these are our friends. Usually we don't make friends. Friendships make themselves out of circumstance. We're little and we're influenced by those around us. Collectively sometimes we start liking the same things. If we threw different people in there (instead of the ones who were geographically close by) we'd be influenced by different opinions, we'd have a different group collective, we'd like different music and ultimately we'd be different people. These life-altering developments didn't happen through people we chose to be with. These are the people who grew up across the street from us, who sat behind us in biology or were at our bus stop. They're great people, but they weren't our people from the beginning.
We'll never choose our friends now. It's too late. How do I know who my true people are when I've spent 30 years being influenced by whomever just happened to be around me?
All you people who have happened to be around me -- you're okay btw.
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