I can honestly say I've found the secret to happiness.
The secret to happiness is cake batter ice cream mixed with caramel and brownie from Coldstone Creamery.
Please realize that the secret to happiness is totally true. I say "is" literally. I say "is" presently. When you read this, "is" will be "then" and cake batter ice cream mixed with caramel and brownie from Coldstone Creamery may not be the secret to happiness anymore.
Right now I'm glad it is though, because I was aching and panicking because I was unhappy and I had no idea why. Fortunately I saw Coldstone Creamery out of the corner of my eye and knew I could presently have happiness.
It's embarrassing how often this happens to me. I remember distinctly on a specific day a year ago the secret to happiness was beef so I got a Westerner from Carl's Jr. About six months ago the secret to happiness was watching the specific episode of Cowboy Bebop called "The Ballad of Fallen Angels." Three months ago it was hearing "Open Your Heart" by Madonna.
I'm a genius. I'm a really really smart guy. More so than it appears. The thing is, 90% of my brain capacity isn't working on smart guy things, but actually trying to figure out what the secret of happiness is at that given moment. I've developed a very very intense inner network of television episodes sorted by season, music sorted by decade, restaurant menus, sugary liquids, movie lines, comic strips, comic books, wi-fi hotspots and strange URLs.
I'm reminded of a very touching Futurama episode where Fry checks his bank account after being cryogenically frozen for 1,000 years and discovers he's a billionaire. He purchases everything he's ever wanted and becomes a hermit of sorts. When his friends tell him to come to his senses, he says: "I've finally discovered the secret to happiness, and it's not people -- it's things."
Often, I'll have a panic attack and go hours before I realize what happiness is all about. That time increment will likely only go up if I continue to maintain the current database while adding new data.
(Also, eventually I'll finally come to realize that eating animals is wrong and I'll be forced to abstain from that happiness when it manifests itself)
Is this what the Buddhists are talking about when they emphasize the only way to heaven is actually wanting nothing? Hell is too many good things. Of course nothing is still nothing.
You know what? Cake batter ice cream mixed with caramel and brownie from Coldstone Creamery actually isn't all that great.
